jesuskirkandvinny:

Kirk’s TJ Hooker Audition Tape.

About a month ago, Kirk told us he wanted to send a “blind” audition tape to the producers of the movie TJ Hooker.  He was still pissed he was squeezed out of the whole Twilight series and felt that if he had auditioned…he “would have beaten out Kristen Stewart for sure.”  Apparently, he played a vampire-like creature once and “nailed it”.  O-kay.  For those of you who can’t remember or just aren’t fans of crap TV, TJ Hooker was a cop show in the 80’s starring none other than William Shatner (and his awesome hairpiece).  And basically, every episode Hooker ended up on the hood of a car.

Jesus and I said we’d help and we immediately went about trying to give the tape some pizazz.  Let’s face it, Kirk ain’t exactly the greatest actor on the planet, so we knew we needed to pull focus away from him.  Just how do you DE-emphasize the very thing you are trying to show off?  Well, that was a problem.

That’s when Jesus came up with the idea of Sabotage.

On Friday, the producers sent back the tape with a note basically saying thanks but no thanks.  It was addressed to Kirk CAMERON!  Neither Jesus nor myself have the heart to tell him.

CLASSIC!

jesuskirkandvinny:

Our Collective Dream: The Circus.

Here’s some history: years before we were roommates, I met Kirk and Jesus at an “Improv for the Non-Working Professional” class in West Covina.  We immediately bonded over our mutual love of unemployment, “yes…and”, and the TV show Blossom.  Little did we know that we held one more super-secret passion in common as well: The Circus.

Now who doesn’t love the circus?   And I am not talking about the obvious stuff like freaks or the special-blend aroma of tired animals and drunken clowns.  As Jesus says, “If you don’t love the Circus, let me introduce my fist to your face!”  And I think that’s about right.

Anyway, nearly two decades later, we’ve decided to make that pipe dream a reality.  And I’m telling you guys first.  Welcome to the first day of Jesus, Kirk and Vinny: Circus Acrobats!  Of course our first day of training didn’t go off without a hitch.  Jesus started showing off his levitation skills.  I mean, nothing fucks up acrobatics more than a blatant disregard for gravity.

“blatant disregard for gravity”!   Awesome!!!!!

jesuskirkandvinny:

Easter…Part Two.  King of Kings.

This is Jesus’ favorite movie about himself, well if you don’t include Life of Brian (“I should do more comedies.”).  But this 1961 Easter classic has a real soft-spot in his heart— “Not only did they capture my look, my swagger…they also got my attitude.  And 30% of resurrecting is about the attitude.” 

Fun Fact: the actor who played Jesus, Jeffrey Hunter, later starred in a TV pilot called Star Trek, as Capt Pike.  He turned down the series.  As Jesus said, “No way Hunter was gonna play some pussy Star Ship Captain after playing me!” 

Kirk just took a big swig of wine and then mumbled, “Jesus said ‘pussy’”.

jesuskirkandvinny:

Downtown Los Angeles.  The Nickel Diner.

It’s funny how some of your worst days can turn into your best nights.  Jesus had to go to court in downtown Los Angeles to settle a public urination charge.  I’m telling you, those robes are nothing but trouble.  Anyway, a couple hours and a probation later, we found ourselves on Main Street…hungry as we’ve ever been.  That’s when we found The Nickel.

Believe it or not, they have this Maple Bacon donut and, hell…they had us at Bacon!  I had two and I’m pretty sure I started tripping.  Kirk actually fed Jesus one of the donut holes and I swear the room started to spin.  Then we sat down on the dessert tray, surrounded by homemade pop tarts and ding dongs.  I felt like I was in a HR Pufnstuf flashback.  It was awesome!

Kirk said he hadn’t been that turned-on around dudes since he was partying in the grotto of the Playboy Mansion with James Caan and Lee Majors.  Like I’ve said a million times before…nobody ruins a moment quite like Kirk!

Downtown LA is pretty weird…I mean where else can you get a bacon donut and some crack on the same block?  To which Jesus answered, “um…in Heaven.”  And the whole place busted out laughing.  I mean, he’d know, right?

mmmmm…bacon….donut….

jesuskirkandvinny:

Our Oscars Disaster.

The night went quickly from bad to worse…to blows.  First, not even two minutes into the thing, Doogie Howser starts singing about prison rape.  Nice.

Then our satellite craps out.  One minute we’re laughing at Steve and Alec, the next minute…blue screen of death.  Really?  Direct TV?  On Oscar Night?  You guys suck!  We reset the thing like ten times but nothing.  In fact, we still don’t have service.

We were all pissed but Kirk took it really hard…he’s a huge Christopher Plummer fan and he felt for sure that, “this is Plummer’s year!”

Around one in the morning Jesus and I heard something and that’s when we found Kirk.

Sometimes the only way to help someone is to kick them and make sure they are not dead.  And that’s exactly what I did.

yeesssss!

jesuskirkandvinny:

New York City.  Kirk’s Nephew Sebastian.

You’ll probably never find three guys that know less about babies than we do.  Exhibit One: we brought hand sanitizer as a baby gift!  It was Kirk’s idea but Jesus and I didn’t argue.  I’m pretty sure Kirk’s sister was insulted but she said thank you anyway.

Check out old Jesus.  While Kirk and I are watching the baby laugh and stuff everything he can into his mouth, Jesus is eyeballing Mom.  Look at him!  It’s like he’s never seen a woman before.  And he kept saying stuff like, “Hey the baby looks hungry…you should feed him.”  He even asked, “Got milk?”  TWICE.  It was embarrassing.

It was all too much for Kirk, who fell asleep faster than the baby.  Jesus left early because he was pissed that Mom “breast pumped” before we got there.  I’m telling you the guy has some serious Mother issues.

Hanging out with a baby is a lot like watching an infomercial: you start out convinced this thing is not for you, but you keep on watching.  You don’t need that, you think.  Hell, you already can do all the things it does.  Then something happens.  Somewhere, somehow, the pitch hooks into you.  Suddenly you’re thinking, how have I lived my life without that?  The next thing you know you’re in a Snuggie cleaning off a counter with your ShamWow and wondering how much a Chinese baby would run you.

The circle of life, man…it is weird.

love that Jesus is such a horn dog!!!

jesuskirkandvinny:

New York City.

We’re in a place called Brooklyn, which is kind of like New York—except that instead of tall buildings and Wall Street douches, it’s full of guys wearing odd-looking hats and  facial hair (hipsters, Hasidic Jews…take your pick) and all the women are pushing around babies.  Jesus and I fit right in but Kirk stuck out like a sore thumb.  Luckily, he had a “ghetto pass”, his sister had a baby—so nobody hassled us.

Jesus said that every time he comes to New York, he always feels kind of sad and he never really knows why.  “I know it’s stupid,” Jesus said as he stared at Manhattan, “but I can’ help but think of all the people living lives way better than mine.”

Ouch.  Like I’ve said a dozen times, no one can punch you in the gut like old Jesus.

We looked at the buildings a little bit longer.  And I started to feel like crap.  Thanks Jesus.

Finally Kirk said, “I don’t know.  I can’t think of any place I’d rather be than with you guys, right here, right now.”  Sure it was gay and sappy and corny and all that and more.  But damn if I didn’t see Jesus crack a smile.

Just when we needed it the most—Kirk to the rescue!